To see God's face

I want nothing more than to go find a vacant, snow-covered field to stand in. There I would plant my feet on crystal covered ground, stare up at the majestic peaks and gape in awe at the powerful mountains. With sparse moonlight to fill the crisp air, I would breath in deep the prickly cold air and stare up at the heavens until I could see God's face in the eyes of the stars.

Feeling Lost & Confused

Somebody save me for I can't sleep

Tossing and turning

Praying my soul to keep

some very rough draft poetry

Someone come run away with me

In the shadows of life we'll be

Turning love into our grave

Living enough to never save

"Turn to Stone"

by Ingrid Michaelson

Let's take a better look

Beyond a story book

And learn our souls are all we own

Before we turn to stone

Let's go to sleep with clearer heads

And hearts too big to fit our beds

And maybe we won't feel so alone

Before we turn to stone

And if you wait for someone else's hand

You will surely fall down

If you wait for someone else's hand

You'll fall, you'll fall

I know that I am nothing new

My words might not seem to you

But brother how we must atone

Before we turn to stone

The 151st Rule

Overthinking will ruin you. Ruin the situation, turn things around, make you worry, and just make things worse than they really are.

Untitled

Started August 2011
Revised October 2012

Starlight faded into sunrise

and there arose that wholesome soul,

richly robed in naught but his truths

he 'crept in through the carvéd door.

There he wandered across the way

yonder and hence, staining the walls.

He pressed his touch with every beat

Escaped his breath on every vein

and there he did brandish his mark,

claiming the heart to call his own.

She awoke not sure of the morn

her halls encroached with ghostly wounds.

But there at the way her door did sway

the gate gaping open to the worms.

But no trace of the frightful night

did float upon her injured breast.

Left to wander about the scarred corners,

for light did press upon her cheek,

she pushed away the loathsome past,

and lit the gloom to find the lost.

Songs that I'm loving

Just this moment:

Biggest Flaw

I wrote this a little bit ago, but finally felt compelled to shared it:

I once had a boy compliment me some time ago on my generosity and caring nature. My ability to always just do things for other people.

He said this while he was breaking up with me.

Was it still a compliment? Yes, because I realized that is who I am: I do things for other people. A lot. It’s my way of saying, “Hey, you’re important to me and I’m thinking of you.” Doesn't mean I want to marry you tomorrow. It just means that I care about you as a friend (maybe even more, but let me deal with that). But most people get confused by that, so I feel the need to clarify.

I throw myself head first into things. It’s just how I do it. I don’t know any other way. I can’t ask forgiveness or apologize because I don’t think it’s bad. In fact I think it’s commendable. I've found I have learned how to love deeply and how to hurt painfully. And I don’t care about the risks; it’s worth it. Always is. You may break my heart and I expect nothing but sorrow and frustration from that for a time, but at least I felt something; deeply, strongly, passionately.

And that is one of the most important things in living- to experience pain and relief. And immense, passionate joy.

Little things

I've been selfish lately. So the other night I decided to write down a few of the small things that I have been grateful for in the last couple weeks or so. I still feel very absorbed in all the stresses in my life, but it helped to remind me that things are good right now and that it's the little things that count.

Just a few things that have made this week great:

• Hanging up spooky bats at work for Halloween
• My new J.Crew sweater
• A date getting cancelled giving me enough time to study for 2 midterms
• Dinner at Chik-fil-a because Austin let me satisfy an unhealthy craving
• Great study session with awesome students in my Brit lit class for 2 hours
• Arrested Development episode before bed
• New "New Girl" episodes to watch...when I find time
• Scholastic book orders coming in at work
• Mr. Brad buying me a Dr Pepper at work
• Someone complimenting my orange pants
• Hunting for treasure
• General Conference on its way
• The amazing people at my job who notice when I'm sick and ask if I'm feeling better. Oh and just the amazing people I work with
• Misspellings in a shared document for class that talk about King Arthur's beast instead of feast
• Fall colors
• New photos to edit and post
• Pancake night reunion with the Originals

Life is stable and good right now. Sometimes we just need a few things to remind us.

Kidnapping Astronauts

Sometimes I have crazy dreams. Like astronauts kidnapping me. I woke up last night at one and was absolutely sure that there was an astronaut in my room trying to steal me away in the night. I finally came to and immediately texted a friend because I knew I would forget that weirdness and I had to share with someone. It still took me a bit to fall back asleep, I kept seeing  heads with massive astronaut helmets on.

I never should have fallen back asleep though, because the next dream was even crazier than the first. It started out with my sister and I being pulled over by the FBI, who informed us that her husband was under investigation for dealing drugs and that we needed to cooperate. We exchanged un-pleasantries and then headed home. We got to our house and found a stick of butter on the front step. From the FBI. With a secret inscription. Asking us if we will cooperate. We wouldn't. We knew her husband was innocent. So I scratched an inscription into another stick of butter, but I couldn't place it on the FBI's doorstep because they were out front on the porch. Instead, I ran down the block and proceeded to climb over the back wall of a house and follow it down to the backyard of the FBI headquarters. I had to avoid dogs attacking me and pretending like no one could hear their barking. When I got to the FBI HQ, I climbed up onto the roof of the house, lowered myself down onto the front porch, hit the doorbell and then ran like the wind to get back to the fence/wall and sprinted haphazardly down the block to get away before they could catch me.

That's all I can remember now.

Kidnapping Astronauts.

And Federal Agents. With butter.

The Craziness in My Head

I often begin writing something and then stow it away to edit and revise; saved as a draft, a slip of paper, a journal entry. It isn't more than a month later, generally, that I will revisit it, only to realize that it is perfect just as it is. That when it was first fresh in my mind was when it was best, at its finest.

So yes, often times I finally post things far over due, they sit in a sort of box on the shelf of my mind until I finally get the gumption to throw them out into the world and say, "Ok, so here's me. And what I'm thinking and feeling."

Thankfully it goes over better than I expect most times. But that's because you guys are all amazing and willing to put up with the craziness in my head.

Love is complicated

Life doesn't always give us what we want nor expect. Love is complicated for those who love much. For the brave in heart, the vulnerable, the ones who take the leaps of faith - they're the ones who get the rough seas, the ones who get the hardest climbs. God knows they need it, so that when the truth comes, they won't take it for granted. They won't forget how long they had to wait, how many hearts they had to break and how many times their own hearts had to be scarred before they found true love.

Don't Disappear

Write more. Fall apart in the arms of your own words. Bring to life the love that you understand. The one where people tell each other everything and don't hold back their stories and dreams. Where they open up their hearts without fear of not being wanted; risking it. Understand your own story and share it with someone else so they can see the real you. Because if not, you might disappear. If no one can see the real you and love you, then you might fade away into the shadows and never be known and loved for what and whoever you are.

Current music obsession

I love this photo.

And this album.

Lavender Fields Photo Shoot

 About a month or so ago, I was asked to model in a photo shoot down at the Young Living Family Farm in Mona, UT where they have their beautiful lavender fields. Here are a just a few shots from the shoot:

(P.S. It was extremely windy that day, hence why my hair is all over the place).

Photos by Camilla Myrrha Photography
Makeup by Kali Wengreen

The After Thought

I took her in my hands and clawed,

scraped off the weeds and thorns

that suffocated

her fragile breath.

I ripped off the flaking skin,

dead long ago.

Tore away the charred ashes

of broken hearts that clung to her limbs.

And as I did,

the blood of her sins

soaked anew her quivering frame.

I pushed back the stinging tears

falling into her gaping wounds,

and then I just let her bleed.

I took her in my hands again

and trimmed.

I carved her down

until I found

the cage that was her heart.

But when I opened up the door,

there was no precious flower.

Nothing but a dreary cave,

where once was kept

a black soul.

The Next You

Thoughts from a Friday evening past:

I miss you. I'm not even sure if it's actually you that I miss, or just someone. Someone to hold me at night when the phantoms of my dreams are closer than the darkness that surround me. Someone to hold me when dusk creeps in on the day and the cares settle upon my shoulders in a heavy sigh.

I guess I'm not even sure who you are. So many different memories and feelings, each a different stage of love, flash through my mind. All with the same reflective yearn to want to return to what was. But they're each fleeting, never lasting long enough to bring tears. There is always a final thought that the next you will be better than you.  That the next you will fill up all the cracks and empty places that you left. Fill them up fuller than you could have or tried to, and there won't be any lack or desire for more. it will be just right; enough. And I'll have that happy fear that I could love someone so much that my heart would swell so large in my chest and that I would never lose it. I lost it once before, but the next you won't leave like you did.

I miss you. The next you. Whoever you are. I miss you because I know what can and will happen and I want to give that to you. I want to give it all and not have to wait any longer.

Zion

A handful of my friends and I went down to Zion a couple weekends ago to hike the West Rim trail. We stayed in my friend Dane's family's cabin up by Kolob Resevoir. We got in late Friday night and while half of us drove down to leave a car in Zion the other half of us stayed at the cabin building a fire and eating s'mores. What was suppose to be only an hour and a half trip turned into 3 hours and by the time everyone got back we were really worried and really tired. But of course the 4 of us girls stayed up late talking before heading to bed :)

We got up early Saturday, drove out to Lava Point and then began our 18 mile hike. It was beautiful. There were moments where I could not describe the scenery; there is no other place like it in the whole world. Thankfully we have all shared our photos with each other so here ya go!

Cedar City on the way up to Kolob. You could see the entire Valley!

Sunrise

If you look closely you can see me peeking through the top window

Before we started the hike

This was most of what the beginning of the hike looked like- lots of green

The first great view we got. This is the entire backside of Zion National Park

(click it to see it full size...so pretty!)

We had a lot of fun telling and solving riddles as we marched on

Stumbled upon this guy at the beginning of the trail. He barely moved as we inched past

Once we got out of the wooded, green area we hit this beautiful sight. Breath taking moment, spurred on by the idea that even mountains bleed

Part of the "down" climb (no wonder my ankles hurt afterwards)

And this is what most of the end of the hike looked like - white rock (and very very hot!)

Back up again, Angels Landing is to the far right

The river that saved us all from heat exhaustion after hiking for 6 1/2 hours, ascending 2000 feet, descending 4000 feet, and running out of water for the last few miles

Ate dinner in Hurricane as Los Lupitas with Rachie and Brad. I should have gotten a picture but we were all famished and sweaty and gross.

Just hanging out on the back of the truck on the bumpy ride up to the look out point for sunset

You can't really see it but all of Kolob and Zion is behind us

Sunrise, on Sunday morning