I don't sleep well anymore; if at all. The nights are hot in our AC-less home. Mosquitos creep through my screen-less window invading my slumber with obnoxious buzzing in my ear. I wake up with countless red spots. Both from them and spiders that find their way in between my covers. My blankets are usually in the most absurd, tangled mess about my legs. Pillows crammed in between sheets or tossed onto the floor. My dreams leave me with a sick feeling in my stomach and my head throbs from the tossing and turning and endless array of thoughts that pervade my already exhausted brain.Waking up is not so much a chore as it is a lunge from a world of nightmarish fog into a world of walking pandemonium. I spend my days wanting nothing but rest. To lie down; to collapse into that cocoon of peace and serenity. But when night does finally fall and my mind realizes the lateness of the hour I find myself begrudging the task ahead. It's worse than a task, it's that attic in every house that everyone avoids because cleaning it out would only create a larger mess. I sit at my desk condemning my bed with hateful stares. He, who should be a friend, has become my enemy in my search for tranquility.
Once I can no longer find anything with which to distract myself, I crawl up onto my mattress and feel it bite back. Determined to fight against my aching body and tortured soul, he provides no warmth or comfort. When I finally nestle down in it is only under deceptive terms. He laughs a wicked cackle and then shifts just so that my muscles lose their relaxed setting and I'm thrown back into a rolling mess of blankets and frustrating mind games.
I fear going to sleep. I don't want to know what cursed nightmares my mind has in store for me. What masquerading dreams it will weave. Once upon a time I had to listen to music every night to help me sleep and it is suddenly as if those wretched days have returned. I try to fall asleep to those soothing notes again, but constantly wake up fearing the sound is too loud or in annoyance to go slam it off.
My mind and heart wage an epic battle within my soul and my ability for comprehension is almost obliterated. I walk as if in a state of constant war within my body. I don't understand it. I cannot understand it. In the end though, I feel as if I don't want to understand it. I pray this time will pass and things will measure themselves out and smooth away. But what denial is that. What grave misunderstanding do I hold in my hands. Ignoring it makes it bigger. Pushing it aside makes it stronger. Leaving it alone makes it wiser.
But what is it? What starves me from sleep?
