(This was originally written last night around 1:30am)- I know I say this all the time, but there is truly something amazing about music and how it can describe things. Crazy how someone can write a song that explains exactly how you feel about someone or think about something, especially when you've never met the person who wrote the lyrics. We've all been through things that are so similar and yet so different but music brings us closer to one another in a way that some things, that most things just can't.

Tonight's song:

"Near to You," by A Fine Frenzy

Update Part 3

What I've been listening to, reading, and watching:

I've hardly been to the theaters lately, but when I do go it's either to the dollar theater or someone else is paying for my ticket :) A couple films I have seen within the last 4 months that I absolutely love and highly recommend are:

• Sherlock Holmes
• Young Victoria (a definite chick flick but I loved it!)
• Coco Before Chanel (a French film, and oddly enough it put a lot of past relationships into perspective for me)
• Avatar (I might have teared up at one point)
• The Boys are Back (watched this just the other night and I did cry. It was so interesting to watch these three boys' journeys in figuring out life without women- mother and wife)
• 500 Days of Summer (I know it came out a while ago, but I've watched it so many times that I still feel lie it's brand new. It continues to remind me what not to do in a relationship and to view the situation from the other person's point of view. It has also made me realize how we need to be honest in not only our words but also in our actions with others)

I've discovered some fun artists through Pandora and of course I'm still downloading from Urban Outfitters. Which I can now do every Monday with their Music Mondays. But here are a couple of my more recent favorite songs/artists:

"Home"

"Yalira"

Phoenix

Ray LaMontagne

Drew Danburry

"Kids" & "Electric Feel" ~ MGMT

I, unfortunately, haven't been reading a whole lot, besides all those church talks mentioned in Part 2. But I did manage to get through a Christmas present the other week: After the Dancing Days. I remember always seeing the book on our shelf at home but never actually reading it. It was so nice to have the time to sit and read an actual novel/book for once without it being a textbook. I forgot how fun it is to curl up on my bed with the sun streaming through the window and to just get lost in a completely different world. Imagining what it would be like if I was actually there. My time has just been consumed with talks by the brethren lately haha which isn't a bad thing, don't get me wrong, but I would still love to get through all of Jane Austen one of these days.

Ode to Love

Love is something I will never understand. How it is possible to have your heart split and shared with so many different individuals. How love can be defined in thousand of ways. And how there are some you will always love no matter what choices they make in life, no matter how poorly they treat you, and no matter how long you stay connected.

I hate love. I hate how it can smother you like kisses from grandparents, lift you onto clouds like sweethearts, and how it can completely crush you to your knees in absolute agony. Love has no limits, no rules, and no boundaries. Once you succumb to its flattery you are done for. You lose the ability to think clearly and to make decisions without any bias. You find yourself making excuses, defending people who you would give the whole world to make them happy but who would never do the same for you in return. Love will never let you go. We fall in love with boyfriends and girlfriends and once they leave us or we walk away that part of our hearts stays with them. Even if we try so desperately to fill that void with another's love, that small crack, that gaping hole will never be completely full again. Because someone out there, mayhap we have forgotten whom, but someone out there still has a bit of us with them that follows them about like a shadow, that still keeps a prayer that they are happy and truly finding joy in their own lives.

Love pulls, love tugs, love yanks, and prods. It comforts, and kisses, caresses, and soothes. Love spoils, love indulges, love obsesses, and aches. It yearns, and hurts. It cries, and smiles, it skips and crumbles. Love can begin foolishly with giddiness and excitement. Mystery and hope. And end tragically with sorrow and pain. Misery and anger. Love begins on one side and ends on the other. You cannot toy with it, play games or cheat it. It will always know the truth. It is one thing we cannot fake or deceive with. You either do or you don't. There is no in between.

Love is the ultimate sacrifice. To forget one's self for the sake of others. To let yourself go entirely just because your mind is plagued with someone else. So love. Let go, take the risk and do it. You will have these moments at 1, 2... 3 in the morning when all hope is lost and you have finally walked away for the last time. Moments where you find yourself in the depths of despair and your whole being is racked with such agony. But there will be other moments when the sun has never shone so brightly. Where colors have never seemed so vibrant and life has never been so enjoyable. These moments will outweigh the first by such degrees that in the end you will never look back and regret once for letting yourself jump in. Risk it. Do it, and if there is a next time... Risk it again, and do it better.

Here's to the Rebels

Two of my favorite quotes are by the author Jack Kerouac, and I thought I would just share them with you...

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing but burn, burn, burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww'"

— Jack Kerouac (On the Road)

 "Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify them, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do."
— Jack Kerouac

Update Part 2

What I've been learning:
I have an attachment to Google Reader, it keeps me updated with everyone's blogs that I follow and the other day i discovered this little gem, literally. I subscribed to the Young Single Adult Gems and every Monday and Wednesday I get a new quote and if it tugs at my spirit or hits me hard in the core I look up the talk and read it. Most of the time I am sitting here copying and pasting them into a Word document. It reminds me of the talk given by Elder Holland about how we need to use the internet for good, and I'm not saying that Google Reader is bad, but it definitely keeps me from maybe reading other things that are more important and beneficial, so when I found this on LDS.org I was pretty giddy. Now I can read the gossip or friends and also keep up to date on some really amazing talks that I have overlooked over the years.

My roommate and friend Lisa and I started reading a talk a week last semester and sharing what we had learned from them with each other through email. Since then I had conceived an obsession with church talks. Whenever I get the chance I'm printing a new one off and highlighting it until it looks like an Easter painting. After a while I realized I had a large stack of talks but I could not remember what most of them talked about, little of what I learned from them. So I started to read them again, this time with my journal in hand, and I really studied them. A few of the talks that really hit home for me were:

• To Be Free of Heavy Burdens ~ Elder Richard G. Scott
• Your Refined Heavenly Home ~ Elder Douglas L. Callister
• Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence ~ Elder Holland
• The Atonement: Our Greatest Hope ~ Elder James E. Faust
• Point of Safe Return ~ Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf
• Feed My Sheep ~ Elder Ned B. Roueche
• Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ ~ Elder Kevin Pearson

Like I said... I really have been consumed with reading them. I don't want to spew out a bunch of quotes or excerpts from each one, rather I'd like to focus on the one talk that I learned the most from recently and that was the last I listed, by Elder Pearson. I have already shared these thoughts with my family via email but I feel the need to put them here:

It was a hard talk to read because I am basically where Elder Pearson says we should not be. He speaks of 6 D's: doubt, discouragement, distraction, lack of diligence, disobedience, and disbelief. I won't explain each of them because I think you should read the talk, but I realized that I have started down that path. Doubt comes from a lack of confidence in one's self or abilities. I may come across as a confident person but sometimes I feel like that is just a facade; I have my bad days like everyone else and sometimes I feel inadequate. This doubt leads to discouragement, and chronic discouragement leads to lower expectations, decreased effort, weakened desire, and greater difficulty feeling and following the Spirit. Discouragement leads to distraction (lack of focus), etc. Anyway, I have been so discouraged lately with trying to do what the Lord has asked me to do, which at the time was to move home for the semester. Try as I might, something has continued to prevent me from getting there. Whether it's selling my contract, or not finding a job anywhere (and I finally did find a job up  here). But I know that isn't all entirely true, because I haven't been trying as hard as I can. I've been distracted by so many other things.

It is frustrating but at the same time it is a wake up call. I realized so greatly that I am not being blessed or helped entirely because I have not kept my end of the bargain with my Heavenly Father, I have not been completely obedient, especially in the "small and simple things" that Elder Pearson says we must be obedient in. I have allowed myself to become lax and lazy about everything. It's cheesy but there are so many times when I day dream about being good at all of these things- waking up and reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, going to the temple weekly, etc, and how desirable those qualities are. How people would respect me more and look up to me more if I did these things. Since reading his talk I have tried so desperately to fall down that path again. I am not 100% back to reading my scriptures and saying my prayers, but I have been doing other things, reading my Patriarchal blessing once or twice a week, studying a talk, and really trying to participate in church (the more I do, the more I find I learn). And as I slowly do each other these, the more I am drawn to doing all the other things that I need to be doing, most importantly serving others and losing myself in those acts.

Part 1