Biggest Flaw

I wrote this a little bit ago, but finally felt compelled to shared it:

I once had a boy compliment me some time ago on my generosity and caring nature. My ability to always just do things for other people.

He said this while he was breaking up with me.

Was it still a compliment? Yes, because I realized that is who I am: I do things for other people. A lot. It’s my way of saying, “Hey, you’re important to me and I’m thinking of you.” Doesn't mean I want to marry you tomorrow. It just means that I care about you as a friend (maybe even more, but let me deal with that). But most people get confused by that, so I feel the need to clarify.

I throw myself head first into things. It’s just how I do it. I don’t know any other way. I can’t ask forgiveness or apologize because I don’t think it’s bad. In fact I think it’s commendable. I've found I have learned how to love deeply and how to hurt painfully. And I don’t care about the risks; it’s worth it. Always is. You may break my heart and I expect nothing but sorrow and frustration from that for a time, but at least I felt something; deeply, strongly, passionately.

And that is one of the most important things in living- to experience pain and relief. And immense, passionate joy.

Little things

I've been selfish lately. So the other night I decided to write down a few of the small things that I have been grateful for in the last couple weeks or so. I still feel very absorbed in all the stresses in my life, but it helped to remind me that things are good right now and that it's the little things that count.

Just a few things that have made this week great:

• Hanging up spooky bats at work for Halloween
• My new J.Crew sweater
• A date getting cancelled giving me enough time to study for 2 midterms
• Dinner at Chik-fil-a because Austin let me satisfy an unhealthy craving
• Great study session with awesome students in my Brit lit class for 2 hours
• Arrested Development episode before bed
• New "New Girl" episodes to watch...when I find time
• Scholastic book orders coming in at work
• Mr. Brad buying me a Dr Pepper at work
• Someone complimenting my orange pants
• Hunting for treasure
• General Conference on its way
• The amazing people at my job who notice when I'm sick and ask if I'm feeling better. Oh and just the amazing people I work with
• Misspellings in a shared document for class that talk about King Arthur's beast instead of feast
• Fall colors
• New photos to edit and post
• Pancake night reunion with the Originals

Life is stable and good right now. Sometimes we just need a few things to remind us.

Kidnapping Astronauts

Sometimes I have crazy dreams. Like astronauts kidnapping me. I woke up last night at one and was absolutely sure that there was an astronaut in my room trying to steal me away in the night. I finally came to and immediately texted a friend because I knew I would forget that weirdness and I had to share with someone. It still took me a bit to fall back asleep, I kept seeing  heads with massive astronaut helmets on.

I never should have fallen back asleep though, because the next dream was even crazier than the first. It started out with my sister and I being pulled over by the FBI, who informed us that her husband was under investigation for dealing drugs and that we needed to cooperate. We exchanged un-pleasantries and then headed home. We got to our house and found a stick of butter on the front step. From the FBI. With a secret inscription. Asking us if we will cooperate. We wouldn't. We knew her husband was innocent. So I scratched an inscription into another stick of butter, but I couldn't place it on the FBI's doorstep because they were out front on the porch. Instead, I ran down the block and proceeded to climb over the back wall of a house and follow it down to the backyard of the FBI headquarters. I had to avoid dogs attacking me and pretending like no one could hear their barking. When I got to the FBI HQ, I climbed up onto the roof of the house, lowered myself down onto the front porch, hit the doorbell and then ran like the wind to get back to the fence/wall and sprinted haphazardly down the block to get away before they could catch me.

That's all I can remember now.

Kidnapping Astronauts.

And Federal Agents. With butter.

The Craziness in My Head

I often begin writing something and then stow it away to edit and revise; saved as a draft, a slip of paper, a journal entry. It isn't more than a month later, generally, that I will revisit it, only to realize that it is perfect just as it is. That when it was first fresh in my mind was when it was best, at its finest.

So yes, often times I finally post things far over due, they sit in a sort of box on the shelf of my mind until I finally get the gumption to throw them out into the world and say, "Ok, so here's me. And what I'm thinking and feeling."

Thankfully it goes over better than I expect most times. But that's because you guys are all amazing and willing to put up with the craziness in my head.

Love is complicated

Life doesn't always give us what we want nor expect. Love is complicated for those who love much. For the brave in heart, the vulnerable, the ones who take the leaps of faith - they're the ones who get the rough seas, the ones who get the hardest climbs. God knows they need it, so that when the truth comes, they won't take it for granted. They won't forget how long they had to wait, how many hearts they had to break and how many times their own hearts had to be scarred before they found true love.

Don't Disappear

Write more. Fall apart in the arms of your own words. Bring to life the love that you understand. The one where people tell each other everything and don't hold back their stories and dreams. Where they open up their hearts without fear of not being wanted; risking it. Understand your own story and share it with someone else so they can see the real you. Because if not, you might disappear. If no one can see the real you and love you, then you might fade away into the shadows and never be known and loved for what and whoever you are.

Current music obsession

I love this photo.

And this album.