One of My Greatest Accomplishments

This last winter I agreed to train and run a half marathon with my sister Fern, and...we did it! We spent about 10 weeks training. I started out fine going from barely being able to run a mile with my side collapsing in cramps to running 5 miles straight no sweat. Then I got lax and Fern made me run our 12 mile day with her. I did better than I expected but the next day when I ran a measly 3 miles I stressed my Iliotibial band in my right leg. It's the tissues just on the outside of your thigh running from the hip down to the knee and although it doesn't seem that bad it hurt like crazy to run on it. So I kept off of it for a while and then started to just run through the pain. Next thing I knew the big day was here.

The race started at 8:30am on a Saturday morning in May. I took ibuprofen before we started and again at mile 6. Stopping to walk and then starting up again hurt my leg more than just straight running, so whenever Fern and I needed a bit of a break I jogged next to her in the slowest, most ridiculous fashion possible just to save myself from too much pain. We beat our goal of running it in under 3 hours and I felt so great about it. It was no marathon but for me that half marathon was a big goal and milestone and I'm proud we did it.

Before the race, mind you, I think I fell asleep around 3am the night before because I was so anxious about running, so I had about 4 hours of sleep. (Also, Fern and I did not mean to match at all)

During

 

After

I've only really been running once since then, but I owe my speedy recovery to leg massages from Bobby, ice packs from Aaron and very few stairs in the last couple months.

Poem

Inching, crawling, folding down. Hiccuping from laughing too hard. Falling out of your chair.

Holding hands and kissing cheeks. Smiling constantly.

Running fast through the trees. Faster through the grass

Gathering flowers. Holding fast. Never letting go

Whispering, giggling, tickling, following shoulder to shoulder. Hip to hip.

Skip, hop, jump, kick. Kiss me, hold me, hug me, scold me.

Tell me the truth, keep all your lies. Follow me down until we both die.

Written November 2010

I will fix you

For some reason this song seemed appropriate to express my feelings this evening-

"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?


And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth


Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"


Sometimes I feel like I need fixing. Sometimes I feel like others need fixing. Either way, we are here to help one another become the best that we can be and to love them despite the thousands of mistakes that they will make and hope that they do the same for us.

Sorry

My computer battery died and it won't charge because there is something internally wrong with it. Probably a broken heart. Yep, most likely. Hence I don't have access to my pictures, or else I'd be blogging out the wazoo.

Songs

Songs that I can't get out of my head
Songs that sing what I can't
Songs that I listen to on repeat

Songs that mean something more to me now than before

Ray Charles

Adele

Bright Eyes

Weepies

Blinded

Found this in my notebook the other day. Just some old thoughts I had in my life and in watching others...

How is it so easy to be blinded by love that we don't see the great mess we are in? We become so determined, so adamant to make it all work out. We lose ourselves in working too hard to either fix something worth saving or believing in something that does not exist.

What did it finally take for me to realize how blind I had been? What does it take for us to take off the rose-colored glasses and open our eyes? It's courage. We finally decide to stop being afraid. We decide to ask the question and get the answer we have been waiting to hear. It's the answer we dreaded and yet knew was right. We allow ourselves to open up; we break down the walls and accept vulnerability over fear. This courage doesn't just happen randomly though. It is brought on by that ever present desire to grow and become better. This desire causes us to look upon our lives with such scrutiny that nothing could possibly be overlooked. We weigh pros and cons in our minds and then ask ourselves in our hearts if we are truly happy. We seek out what needs to change in order for us to be so, in order for us to continue to grow.

Only with absolute refusal and rebellion do we elude that desire for growth. We blatantly walk away accepting the fate we have chosen and yet always hoping that we will be blessed with a miracle that will change our whole situation. We see the great potential in the beginning, we see a hint of ambition and goodness and then we are lost in the folds of kisses and sweet smiles. Then slowly, bit-by-bit, he unfolds his whole self: the being who walks the same way and sounds the same way but is grossly different. This new being is selfish and malicious. His art is so cunning and manipulative that we cannot see it coming. He whispers so many promises, he weaves such great tales, all the while carefully chipping away at your confidence. You begin to believe that this is it - there could never possibly be anyone out there who could love someone as dramatic, as broken, as insecure, as lost and as helpless as...you. You will never be good enough. Not even for him. Try as you might, try harder, it won't do. He will just continue to take and take, always demanding more in places he refuses to give to you. It's not enough. You cannot match up to what bar he has raised and yet he keeps you around. As much as he says you just won't do he cannot seem to let you walk away. And when you finally try to, he won't leave you be. He's "checking up on you," but you know better. Don't you? He can't live without you. As much as he refuses to admit it, he needs you. He'll never get anyone better than you.

But you don't need him. You never have. You never will. You deserve someone better; you deserve something more. You have all along. And you will find that person. That special someone who will love you beyond anything you could ever understand.

Being Irrational

I tend to be very irrational late at night. I don't think through things very well and sometimes just might come across as needy, irritable, and even whiny. It's quite frustrating, but I believe no one really is their best self late at night. We say crazy things, we do crazy things, we just are crazy people. And I don't mean crazy like lost-our-mind-run-around-in-our-underwear crazy, I just mean crazy like we just aren't our normal selves. We say things we wouldn't usually say, we think things we wouldn't usually think and we do things that shouldn't define us or be taken seriously in any way shape or form.

It is entertaining sometimes to stay up late and giggle with best friends and family, and yes it's fun to stay out having interesting adventures, but somehow we regret it the next day still. Right? What does it matter if I stay up facebook stalking people and blogging? I'm not all that tired and I'll be fine tomorrow. Oh wait, I forget that I'll wake up cranky, desperately wishing I could sleep in just a little bit longer. Regretting any text I sent, any secrets I told and almost always whatever I ate. I am sure I would be quite entertaining to watch on these late nights when I have to close at work or am up studying. I talk to myself a lot, and make the oddest of comments. If I am closing the store I have to find ways to keep busy which results in me dancing down the aisles before we actually close which causes judging looks from customers (I should probably stop that). I think customers love it more when I try to tell them to have a nice day (at 10:45pm) or ask them what sandwich they would like (when working grocery) or even answering the phone and saying "Fastsigns, this is Amelia."

I guess this is me resolving to count to ten before making any decisions after 10 at night. Whether it's to eat that bowl of ice cream, stay up watching a movie, or telling someone what I think of them (or emailing landlords). I am also asking for forgiveness for any complaints I make at night, for behaving a bit to needy and wanting, and for any blog posts after 11pm. Such as this one (my writing really is bad and my thoughts are sporadic and I'm not sure what I was trying to get out of this but just to laugh at myself...I think).

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10...Yep, I'm still gonna post this.