Songs

Songs that I can't get out of my head
Songs that sing what I can't
Songs that I listen to on repeat

Songs that mean something more to me now than before

Ray Charles

Adele

Bright Eyes

Weepies

Blinded

Found this in my notebook the other day. Just some old thoughts I had in my life and in watching others...

How is it so easy to be blinded by love that we don't see the great mess we are in? We become so determined, so adamant to make it all work out. We lose ourselves in working too hard to either fix something worth saving or believing in something that does not exist.

What did it finally take for me to realize how blind I had been? What does it take for us to take off the rose-colored glasses and open our eyes? It's courage. We finally decide to stop being afraid. We decide to ask the question and get the answer we have been waiting to hear. It's the answer we dreaded and yet knew was right. We allow ourselves to open up; we break down the walls and accept vulnerability over fear. This courage doesn't just happen randomly though. It is brought on by that ever present desire to grow and become better. This desire causes us to look upon our lives with such scrutiny that nothing could possibly be overlooked. We weigh pros and cons in our minds and then ask ourselves in our hearts if we are truly happy. We seek out what needs to change in order for us to be so, in order for us to continue to grow.

Only with absolute refusal and rebellion do we elude that desire for growth. We blatantly walk away accepting the fate we have chosen and yet always hoping that we will be blessed with a miracle that will change our whole situation. We see the great potential in the beginning, we see a hint of ambition and goodness and then we are lost in the folds of kisses and sweet smiles. Then slowly, bit-by-bit, he unfolds his whole self: the being who walks the same way and sounds the same way but is grossly different. This new being is selfish and malicious. His art is so cunning and manipulative that we cannot see it coming. He whispers so many promises, he weaves such great tales, all the while carefully chipping away at your confidence. You begin to believe that this is it - there could never possibly be anyone out there who could love someone as dramatic, as broken, as insecure, as lost and as helpless as...you. You will never be good enough. Not even for him. Try as you might, try harder, it won't do. He will just continue to take and take, always demanding more in places he refuses to give to you. It's not enough. You cannot match up to what bar he has raised and yet he keeps you around. As much as he says you just won't do he cannot seem to let you walk away. And when you finally try to, he won't leave you be. He's "checking up on you," but you know better. Don't you? He can't live without you. As much as he refuses to admit it, he needs you. He'll never get anyone better than you.

But you don't need him. You never have. You never will. You deserve someone better; you deserve something more. You have all along. And you will find that person. That special someone who will love you beyond anything you could ever understand.

Being Irrational

I tend to be very irrational late at night. I don't think through things very well and sometimes just might come across as needy, irritable, and even whiny. It's quite frustrating, but I believe no one really is their best self late at night. We say crazy things, we do crazy things, we just are crazy people. And I don't mean crazy like lost-our-mind-run-around-in-our-underwear crazy, I just mean crazy like we just aren't our normal selves. We say things we wouldn't usually say, we think things we wouldn't usually think and we do things that shouldn't define us or be taken seriously in any way shape or form.

It is entertaining sometimes to stay up late and giggle with best friends and family, and yes it's fun to stay out having interesting adventures, but somehow we regret it the next day still. Right? What does it matter if I stay up facebook stalking people and blogging? I'm not all that tired and I'll be fine tomorrow. Oh wait, I forget that I'll wake up cranky, desperately wishing I could sleep in just a little bit longer. Regretting any text I sent, any secrets I told and almost always whatever I ate. I am sure I would be quite entertaining to watch on these late nights when I have to close at work or am up studying. I talk to myself a lot, and make the oddest of comments. If I am closing the store I have to find ways to keep busy which results in me dancing down the aisles before we actually close which causes judging looks from customers (I should probably stop that). I think customers love it more when I try to tell them to have a nice day (at 10:45pm) or ask them what sandwich they would like (when working grocery) or even answering the phone and saying "Fastsigns, this is Amelia."

I guess this is me resolving to count to ten before making any decisions after 10 at night. Whether it's to eat that bowl of ice cream, stay up watching a movie, or telling someone what I think of them (or emailing landlords). I am also asking for forgiveness for any complaints I make at night, for behaving a bit to needy and wanting, and for any blog posts after 11pm. Such as this one (my writing really is bad and my thoughts are sporadic and I'm not sure what I was trying to get out of this but just to laugh at myself...I think).

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10...Yep, I'm still gonna post this.

"Rolling in the Deep"

Love her voice, love the video; such an amazing style. I suddenly have odd desires to chuck dishes at a wall, though.